how to not get laid

Certain ways to NEVER GET LAID

1. Don’t wash. Mmmmmm Cheeeesy Penis is a turn off, just as an excess of vagimite may turn the carpet munchers away

2. Don’t wash your clothes. Nothing quite like the evidence of a person who doesn’t care for themselves to really turn you off

3. Talk about your ex. Unless you are talking about your ex with someone who is also talking about their ex, you just sound like you haven’t moved on (in particular, moved on to the luscious thing in front of you)

4. Take a poo in a their toilet and THEN ask them for a fuck… errrr no?

5. Tell them about your STI history and how the medication has worked (you think)

6. Talk about you Michael Jackson obsession. No explanation required.

7. Describe other people as ugly or psychos. Mmmm being superficially judgemental – good person… NOT

8. Say you are a taxidermist and want to see what a taxidermied human would look like

9. Mumble. FUCK mumbling will get you no where

10. Tell them they are the fifth person you have asked for a fuck tonight

11. Tell the person that they are attractive, not that it matters because you are so desperate you’d do it with the prime minister right now

12. Mention that you empathise with inter-breed marriage (think, village + lonely goat herder)

13. Tell them you like to play Whitney Houston/Celine Dion during sex.

14. Pick your nose and eat it in front of them

15. Spit on every syllable EWWWW! We want the news not the weather thanks!

16. Talk about how horny you think cartoons are (including Hentai AND Anime AND TDK… sorry Ed)

17. Tell them you had an orgy last week, but haven’t been into the clinic just yet

18. Ask them over for sex, forgetting to mention you share a room with your brother

19. Say hey, I have lowered my standards do you wanna do it?

20. Tell them how hot you think your sister is

21. Tell them how hot you think THEIR sister is

22. Boast about your anal rape porn collection

23. Tell them how much you love your husband

24. Incest, the game the whole family can play. Not a pick up topic really, NO

25. Tell them you just have to get a little bit drunker before getting close to their ugly face

26. Ask them to squeeze your zits for you

27.